You don’t have to be grateful that it isn’t worse.

Hello lovely readers! I know I’ve not been consistently blogging, but I also know that people are still reading my old blogs. I occasionally get asked if I’m still writing, so I know when I say ‘hello lovely readers’ that there are in fact a few of you still with me at least!

As with my last post, I will admit that I’ve tried to write many times for this blog, but nothing felt worthy of sharing. This world has become a real scary place at the moment and I find myself frequently saying “stop the world, I want to get off”.

Every day I feel a sense of helplessness, with so much going on and each day trying to limit reading or listening to the news for fear of what will be next. People around me struggling, experiencing tragedy and heartbreak and loss. I know that much of what is happening is outside of my control. I cannot help any more than simply donating, listening, supporting loved ones and friends where I can.

The last couple of years has pushed mental health to its absolute limit in most people I know, myself included. I’ve had too many conversations with people who feel like they should be able to cope, like they should be fine now. We are all just trying to keep going, to keep pushing through.

I’ve been pushing myself to breaking limits. I’ve been working too much and too hard at home as well as in my job. Up until recently, I’ve been saying “If I just don’t stop, then I won’t have time to break”. Now, I know, I know this is not healthy. Years of recovery, years of blogging and talking and healing… I know that is not the way. I also know that I wasn’t ready for the other way. I wasn’t ready to let myself stop, to let myself be, to feel and to open up publicly. If I did that I knew I would have to sit with that pain and let it in. Even as I write this I know I am not fully feeling it. I’m still planning in my head what I am going to get up and do when I finish writing. So I guess I should say I am not ready, rather than wasn’t ready.

I feel a heaviness in my chest that just won’t lift. I feel a deep sadness trying to get out. I’ve had days where the dam that I’ve built to hold it all in, cracks. The water works start, the darkness creeps in, then somehow I build that dam back up and keep going. People keep telling me I’m going to burn out, but I’m pretty sure I did a while ago and now I’m just running on muscle memory.

(I’d like to pause here to say this is not the blog I intended to write, but this is what is flowing out of me so I am going with it)

Over the last few weeks I’ve been taking steps to get myself back. They’ve been baby steps and I’ve fallen backwards a few times, but I’m still trying. I’m trying to work more reasonable hours, to make time for loved ones, to take better care of myself. Writing this blog has helped ease some of the weight.

I just want to say to anyone who may be feeling like this, you are not alone. We are not alone. Its ok if we’re not ready to feel it all yet, but we can’t stay here either. Life is too damn short, we deserve to heal and to feel joy.

It’s ok that we don’t feel ok at the moment. With the things we’ve all been through over the last few years, it’s completely justified.

I also want to reiterate to myself and to others, we don’t have to be grateful that it isn’t worse. I know that with everything that has happened and is happening, there are people far far worse off. My heart goes out to them and I am very aware of the privileges I have. I also know that my pain is real, its justified and it is ok.

For anyone who is struggling, please know that you can reach out. Keep going because we can get through it. This may not be the super positive blog I intended to write, but its honest, it’s real and it’s me. I’m with you, I’m fighting, please keep fighting too. You are not alone.

I’ve added a page on this site for mental health resources. I’ve currently only listed those in the UK, but I’m also aware that people from other countries read my blog sometimes. If anyone knows of reputable mental health resources in other countries, please feel free to let me know and I will update the page.

Stay strong warriors.

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