Apologies and what if’s 

Do you ever find yourself apologising all the time? I did, for everything. All. The. Time.

I think it comes from feeling like such a burden. It is also my inner bitch that tells me I should apologise for being me, because me isn’t good enough.

This road to recovery is a bumpy one. I face all sorts of challenges, including how to shape my life without depression and anxiety. I’m not there yet, I sometimes wonder if I ever will be, but I am stronger than I was before. One of the changes I’ve noticed is that I don’t apologise as much. I’ve noticed this, because when I relapse it comes back. But on my good days (which are more than my bad days, woop woooop!) I do not feel the need to apologise all the time, for taking up space in the world.

Another huge change I’ve noticed is the what if’s are quieter. My brain used to scream what if’s at me if I even thought of planning something! What if I can’t handle it? What if I’m wrong? What if I sound or look stupid? What if people don’t like me? I could go on for hours.

The what if’s are still there, they are just not as overpowering. I’ve made plans! I’ve made plans months in advance! I heard all those what if’s, I listened, I took it in, then I dismissed them and did it anyway.

Maybe recovery isn’t being anxiety or depression free. Maybe it’s just being stronger than both. Maybe my future doesn’t have to look so bleak. Maybe I can listen to my anxiety, provide reasonable answers to the what if’s and move on. Maybe I can sit with the sadness, feel it, then move on. I’m doing that more these days.

I’ve had setbacks. I’ve cried myself to sleep and I’ve allowed myself to get so worked up with anxiety, that I was sick. I’ve shut myself away and told people that I just need to be alone. I’ve cried at my boss and said I was struggling to cope. But I’ve also made plans. I’ve had good days, really good days. I’ve made progress and ticked things off my newly formed (and ever increasing) bucket list. Heck, I have a bucket list!! There was a time I didn’t plan to be around long enough to do anything. Now I’m writing bucket lists and knowing that I have my whole life to do the things on them!

Recovery is bumpy, it won’t be perfect, some days you’ll feel like it’s so hard that you can’t go on. You’ll tell yourself (as I did many times over the years) it’s easier to just be sad and alone. Because I’d been sad so long that I didn’t know how to be happy. Who am I without the anxiety and depression? Well it’s looking like I’m one badass bitch who can do anything she wants to do! Because old me may say what if? But the new me is saying do it anyway!


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